Are our leaders traumatised?

A review of Boarding On Insanity - a film by Ben Coles and presented by Piers Cross

It was a day of glorious sunshine but 400 of us decided to pack ourselves into a darkened room to watch Boarding on Insanity a documentary film presented by Piers Cross and directed by Ben Cole. Not a decision that would be regretted. Whilst utterly heart-breaking in many places it was a powerful, inspirational watch.

I’m really glad I got to watch it in person. Even before the film started, the atmosphere was an electric anticipation of both witnessing pain and experiencing hope. A great many of the audience were boarding school educated but even for those of us who weren’t, there was a sense of everyone in the room rooting for the film makers and participants and a feeling of community and solidarity that important stories were about to be told.

There were many brave people sharing their stories in the film. I’m privileged to have heard Piers, Chris and Cathy share theirs before on Locked Up Living (as well as others linked to at the end). Indeed, we published Cathy’s last week. I’m grateful that so many others joined them. Telling powerful personal stories that deserve to be heard, that needed to be given a voice.

The film very tenderly exposed the harm that is caused to many who’ve experienced boarding. And in the explorations of harm, asked the question of whether we can hope for a healthy global society when so many of our leaders have been educated in this way? The survival strategies used to move beyond the experience seem too often to come at the cost of empathy and compassion for oneself and others. This surely affects how we are governed?

Shame is a common reason why people seek out therapy. Often, this is after years of living with secrets. Secrecy motivated by shame that wreaks havoc on an individual’s life. In my therapy practice, I often hear shameful secrets relating to boarding. The shame of being “such an unlovable child that I had to be sent away”, the shame of “evoking sexual desire in someone older”, the shame of being “too weak to defend myself”, the shame of “not being grateful for an expensive education”, the shame of “being too naïve to see it coming”, the shame of “not being enough”, the shame of “being too much”. Each of these beliefs permeated the film.

Unfortunately, the default human response to being neglected or harmed is too often to blame ourselves. If we blame ourselves, the world becomes more controllable. If we behave better, do something differently, pretend we have different feelings, avoid people or places, maybe this won’t happen again? It’s a strategy we too often adopt because it makes the world less frightening, makes it seem more predictable, makes bad things appear preventable.

When we experience shame because of how we’ve been treated, we collude with our need to blame ourselves. We accept the behaviour of those who’ve harmed or neglected us as if we are somehow deserving of mistreatment. It also makes us want to hide which enables the shame to fester. We heard in the film how shame had deeply impacted the participants lives.

The film laid out the extent of the problem. I’m still reeling from the idea that right now (if I heard correctly) 65,000 children in Britain are being sent away from home to be boarding educated. This is alongside those in residential care as “Looked After Children” where the effects of being raised in this way are well documented as harmful. Boarding on Insanity poignantly illustrated that whilst schools may have improved over the decades, younger participants like Lydia and Harry in their 20s are still deeply affected by their experiences. It was good to watch a film that enabled the women’s experience to be as visible as that of the men. And for attention to be given to the further harm that may be caused to people of colour being schooled in a system that’s heavily associated with colonialism.

How we are treated after traumatic events is significant in how we recover. When our own hurt and pain is acknowledged and validated, we shift our perspective and recognise we are not to blame. When blame should be apportioned, exposure helps people realise that the blame lies elsewhere. It doesn’t lie with those who’ve been harmed. Shame can be put back where it belongs. Exposure is the anti-dote to shame.

Hopefully, this film will enable others to start to share their stories and grow this community into a larger one. One that has the power to prevent legalised neglect passing as education for children.

*The film wasn’t blaming of parents. I understand further material from the film will be used to run webinars or events focused on why parents make these choices. Many have of course been inculcated into this model of education themselves.

To find out how you can watch the film or participate in those future webinars head to the film’s website.

Additional resources:

• To hear more stories of boarding school survivors check out the Locked Up Living podcast on all major podcasting platforms or follow these links to:

Mark Stibbe Taslim Tharani Morag Edwards. Michael Davitt

Louie de Berniere. Nick Duffell. Tony Gammidge. Piers Cross

Rafael Viola. Patrick Mills. Richard Beard. Simon Partridge

Joanna Brittan. Chris Braitch

• If you’re struggling to recover from the aftermath of a boarding school education, feel free to make use of the resources in the Help to Heal section or get in touch.

• Connection is a key part of recovering from trauma, isolation and alienation. Seen and Heard (founded by Chris Braitch) run peer support groups and have access to excellent resources and a brand new podcast devoted to Boarding School.

• As well as making films, Piers Cross hosts an excellent podcast An Evolving Man which covers many useful angles on understanding the impact of boarding school