Control explosion: dealing with coercive control

This article was previously published in Active Magazine

It is a decade now since Coercive Control became a criminal offence in the UK. But unlike more physical forms of domestic abuse, it is often still barely understood. And that’s exactly the way that those who exercise control like it.

Here, Dr Naomi Murphy explains what coercive control is, how to spot the signs, and how victims might break free.

Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash

So often, it is family and friends who are the first to spot the signs that one of their loved ones is being controlled. But the process of realisation can be slow and by the time the reality hits home, the abuser – because that’s what coercive controllers are – has the upper hand. Victims are separated from their support network and isolated from those who otherwise might offer help.

Too often, the victim feels that it is their unworthiness that is driving the situation, that it is their fault, and their inadequacy, which is to blame. Victims are effectively stripped bare of their identity, their real self. At that point, family and friends are thwarted and feel helpless themselves.

Gaslighting – turning up the power

We’ve all heard of ‘gaslighting’ – how someone is bullied, often by a partner, into questioning their own reality, thoughts, feelings and memories. Victims of gaslighting are encouraged by the perpetrator to question their own sanity, giving the abuser ultimate control.

Gaslighting is just one form of coercive control. More broadly, coercive control is the abuse of power, with one partner using whatever powers they can apply to unreasonably dominate the other.

In a healthy relationship, each partner wants to help the other to shine, to be their very best. Good partners celebrate each other’s strengths and achievements, encourage each other to grow, and take pride in that process. Good partners are protective of each other in adversity; they like to share their individual and joint joys and achievements with others.

In a relationship featuring coercive control one partner dominates the other, increasing their own power whilst, often gradually, diminishing the power of their partner, eventually to the point where the person being controlled becomes totally subjugated, powerless, enslaved.

And the horror of it is that they are psychologically browbeaten into believing that it is their inadequacy that is the cause of any problems in the relationship, and made to feel that they have to work even harder, make more sacrifices, be more compliant and subservient, in order to keep the relationship going. And to make them feel this way, first the abuser must isolate their victim from their support network. Because other relationships are a threat to their power.

Photo by Tarun Savvy on Unsplash

Spot the signs

There are so many insidious ways in which, incrementally, abusers can gain control. If you are a victim, this is what might be happening:

It may start with repeated putdowns, calling you names, shaming you in front of others, telling you that you are worthless, even encouraging your children to belittle you.

They will try to isolate you from friends and family. They may control how much money you have, and what you spend it on. They might dictate what you wear or eat.

They may start monitoring who you meet and when, both physically and on line. They may be checking your emails and social media.

Look out for signs of unwarranted jealousy, and accusations of inappropriate relationships when there is no cause whatsoever.

They may continually humiliate you, even when there are only the two of you there, and question your memory of events to increase their mental control over your thoughts, memories and feelings.

Even though they may not hit you, they might threaten you with physical violence if you don’t go along with their demands.

And there remains that problem, that these things can happen gradually over time. Like a frog in a boiling pan, you don’t realise the damage until it feels too late to address it, or to get out.

It’s never too late

However deeply trapped you may feel in an abusive relationship, there is always a way out. And that way out does not involve trying even harder to meet the abuser’s demands. That will result in just getting further under their control.

But before we explore escape routes, it helps to understand what drives the controller. And understand too, surprising though it may sound, that it is not only women who suffer as victims of coercive control. Men make up at least one third of domestic abuse victims; there is every reason to expect that one third of coercive control incidents are actually perpetrated by women.

The need to control a partner is usually compensatory behaviour for deep feelings of insecurity and anxiety about self-worth. Instead of being able to talk about and share their insecurity, they let it leak out in toxic behaviour. Controlling partners often have a history of abandonment or rejection and don’t believe they are lovable enough for someone to stay with them, unless they prevent them from leaving. If as a child they were constantly shamed or criticised their self-esteem may be fragile, so even being confronted with a difference of opinion by a partner can feel like a threat.

Escape routes

It sounds harsh, but victims of abuse need, if they can, to stand firm against the desire to appease. First and foremost, they need to find ways to protect themselves, and by ‘themselves’ I mean their ‘self’ – who they really are rather than what they have become at the hands of a coercive controller.

Tell someone, a friend or colleague, what you fear has happened to you. If possible, reconnect with supportive friends and family. They will have seen what is happening and be yearning to help.

If you can, seek professional guidance, so you can be validated as yourself, by someone who can see the real you beneath the shadow you have become. They will help you face your own fears of conflict or rejection, rebuild your confidence, and to find a path forwards.

Ultimately, if all else fails, seek the safety and support of an organisation which can help you physically escape the prison of an abusive relationship, and free you to start rebuilding your life, the full and rich life you deserve.

If you’re in immediate danger, please call 999.

If you’re trapped in a relationship characterised by coercive control, these organisations offer specialist advice and guidance:

Refuge

Womens Aid

National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Rights of Women

Men's Advice Line

Mankind Initiative

http://survivorsuk.org

http://respectphoneline.org.uk