Shame kills: What does Adolescence teach us about it?

Des McVey

*This piece includes spoilers

The debate about the struggles of young men is often reduced to blaming toxic influencers like Andrew Tate. But this is a convenient scapegoat that allows us to ignore a far more fundamental issue: the weaponisation of shame in our society. It is not influencers who are failing boys—it is the way our institutions, from politics to policing to education, systematically use shame as a tool of control.

This is made painfully clear in the recent drama Adolescence, which highlights how shame, not social media, underpins the crisis facing young men. Each episode provides a striking example of how shame is embedded in daily life—yet this crucial theme is being overlooked in the wider conversation.

Episode 1: Public Humiliation and Rejection

The first episode opens with a father witnessing a stabbing. Rather than confronting the horror of the situation, he instinctively rejects his own son, covering his face as if to distance himself from the shame. This sets the tone for how shame permeates the entire series—not just in personal relationships but in the institutions designed to protect us.

• The police break into a home mob-handed to arrest a 13-year-old boy, shaming the family in front of their neighbours.

• The arresting officers issue shameful, degrading instructions—reinforcing power through humiliation rather than justice.

• The senior police officer, with his overcompensating physique, embodies the toxic reaction to shame—building an exaggerated image of strength to mask internal insecurity.

This isn’t about justice or rehabilitation; it’s about demonstrating dominance through public humiliation.

Episode 2: The Double Standards of Authority

This episode exposes how shame is selectively applied. The way teachers speak to children—shouting at them, barking orders, belittling them—is in stark contrast to how they speak to adults.

• Boys are publicly humiliated for trivial things—shouted at to “tuck their shirts in,” undermined in front of peers.

• Authority figures speak respectfully to the police, but children are addressed as if they are subordinates, conditioned to associate respect with adulthood, and shame with youth.

• This dynamic teaches boys that their worth is conditional on compliance, and that disobedience equals disgrace.

Episode 3: The Psychological Toll of Shame

This episode explores how deeply shame infiltrates relationships. A young boy, terrified of shaming his father, speaks about his father’s shame towards him. The theme of conditional acceptance—where love and respect are only granted if the boy meets certain expectations—runs through every interaction.

The most chilling example of this comes from the psychologist:

• When the boy asks a simple, vulnerable question—“Do you like me?”—she refuses to answer.

• If this was about “professional boundaries,” one must ask, “where were her boundaries when she bought him a drink or gave him her sandwich?”

• Her behaviour, instead of guiding him towards self-worth, reinforces his shame—giving, then withdrawing warmth in a way that mirrors the rejection he fears from his father.

This is how shame traps young men: by making them feel unworthy of love and validation unless they meet impossible, ever-changing conditions.

Episode 4: The All-Encompassing Shame

By the final episode, shame is no longer just a background force—it is the central character of the story. Internal shame, external shame, social shame, institutional shame. Yet no one in society is willing to name it.

Instead, the media blames “toxic influencers.” But where did these influencers come from? They exist because boys are already conditioned to fear shame—to the point where they seek refuge in extreme forms of masculinity that promise an escape from it.

The Bigger Picture: Shame in Football and Politics

We see this exact same dynamic play out in both politics and sports—two arenas that serve as major role models for young men.

Keir Starmer’s weekly attempts to humiliate a black female MP in Parliament exemplify how shame is wielded as a political weapon. Prime Minister’s Questions should be a space for intelligent debate—but instead, it rewards those who can humiliate their opponents most effectively.

• What message does this send to young men? That power is about degrading others, rather than leading with intelligence or integrity.

• What message does it send about gender and race? That women—especially black women—are fair game for public shaming.

• What message does it send about emotions? That respect, patience, and humility are weaknesses, while ridicule is strength.

Boys absorb these lessons. And they see the same dynamics at play in football culture.

Look at how we treat footballers who display toxic behaviour versus those who model positive masculinity.

• Jamie Carragher spat at a girl in a moment of rage—yet his reputation remains intact.

• Roy Keane has made a career out of celebrating extreme violence, yet he is idolised for his “toughness.”

• Alan Shearer repeatedly talks about how he would physically fight Keane—because even as a pundit, football still revolves around dominance and humiliation.

• Meanwhile, the only one in that environment who promotes intelligence and emotional intelligence, Gary Neville, is constantly mocked and belittled.

What does this teach boys? That violence, humiliation, and aggression are paths to respect—while thoughtfulness and vulnerability are met with ridicule.

The Real Problem: We Are a Society Addicted to Shame

Shame is used in:

• Education – Teachers publicly humiliate children rather than guiding them.

• Parenting – Even in an era where physical punishment is banned, public shaming is still seen as an acceptable discipline method.

• The Media – We reward politicians and commentators who degrade their opponents rather than engage in meaningful discourse.

• Everyday Conversations – Men who express vulnerability are mocked, reinforcing the idea that shame must be avoided at all costs—even if that means suppressing emotions, lashing out, or embracing hyper-aggression.

The Life-Threatening Impact of Shame on Young Men

Unlike guilt, which we experience when we do something we believe to be “wrong”, shame tells a person that they are inherently wrong—flawed, weak, unworthy. Boys who internalise shame often react in one of two ways:

1. Self-destruction – Depression, substance abuse, withdrawal from relationships, and even suicide. Male suicide rates remain alarmingly high, yet we refuse to address the emotional turmoil at the root of the crisis.

2. Externalised aggression – Many violent crimes are driven by shame. When young men feel powerless, humiliated, or disrespected, they lash out—sometimes with tragic consequences.

The Solution: Leadership by Example

If we truly want to address toxic male behaviour, we need to start by examining the role models boys are given. And that means holding public figures—whether politicians, sports stars, or media personalities—accountable for the way they use shame to assert power.

Instead of blaming influencers for radicalising young men, we need to ask: What lessons are boys learning from our leaders? If the most powerful people in society rely on humiliation to win arguments, why should we expect teenage boys to behave any differently?

It’s time to break the cycle. Shame doesn’t just shape behaviour—it kills. And unless we challenge it at the highest levels, we will continue to see its devastating impact on young men for generations to come.